| The sun over the west shines just the same | | | | Her behavior and demeanor will help him decide |
| The moon and the stars too | | | | whether or not she will fit into his life overseas. The girl |
| But something about the west | | | | on her part, takes her time to see whether the man is |
| Beckons quite a few... | | | | thoughtful, warm and caring or is he a male chauvinist, |
| "Our decision is final", said Colonel Kapoor firmly, "if you | | | | arrogant about his success, and singularly lacking in the |
| wish to do a PhD in the US, we will find a suitable boy | | | | ability to give respect to others, especially women. |
| living there. Get married and the you can go." Shruti, | | | | Many Indian young men remain tied to their mother's |
| their elder daughter was aghast. She could not believe | | | | apron strings for their whole lives, and hence are never |
| that in this day and age, her parents, whom she had | | | | able to see the talent and qualities in other women. |
| always considered liberal, would turn out to be so | | | | These attitudes sometimes change when they live |
| conservative. It was her dream to enroll for a | | | | abroad where the society offers a lot more respect to |
| doctorate degree in one of the top American | | | | women. Marriage for Indian men too is a deep |
| universities. Besides, her excellent M.Sc results ensured | | | | commitment; therefore, the NRI takes pains to acquaint |
| that she stood a good chance of getting a scholarship. | | | | the prospective bride with the tough lives and tasks |
| Surprisingly, her parents, who had always been so | | | | ahead, which in India, they may never have faced. |
| supportive of her ambitions and aspirations, now | | | | Living in India under parents' protection is an entirely |
| seemed adamant and unrelenting. She was perhaps | | | | different experience. India is home, their comfort zone, |
| too young and naïve to understand the fears | | | | familiar and friendly, and seemingly safe. Parents |
| they had about sending their beloved child all alone to a | | | | indulge and pamper, assist and advise in everything, |
| strange, advanced and unknown land, where she | | | | always shielding their children from difficulties and |
| would have no one to call her own. | | | | tensions. |
| "My dream", sighed Radha, "is to marry an NRI (non | | | | Thus, when the goal is to marry someone settled |
| resident Indian). Radha, a 24-year old chartered | | | | abroad, it is better to prepare in advance, get |
| accountant, had always been in awe of the west. | | | | acquainted in western ways, and hence be equipped |
| Europe and the US were her ultimate destinations, not | | | | to handle a different life in an unknown place. The |
| just to visit as a tourist, but to live and feel that she | | | | bottom line is that life abroad is tough, entailing a lot |
| belonged to those nations more than her own country. | | | | more hard work. One would need to be efficient in |
| Neha Aggarwal, a college graduate pursuing a | | | | household chores since domestic help is a rarity, |
| secretarial course, stood on the threshold of marriage. | | | | restricted to only an elite class of people. India is one of |
| In her family, an NRI was the ultimate catch, and he | | | | the few countries where domestic help is a given. |
| stood head and shoulders above any bachelor | | | | Time management skills are an asset and efficient |
| working in India. | | | | handling of every chore becomes essential since there |
| These three young ladies, smart, accomplished and | | | | is so much to do. From shopping, cooking and cleaning |
| intelligent, had one more thing in common. Marrying an | | | | to clearing snow from the driveway, mowing the lawn, |
| NRI seemed inevitably the only route towards the | | | | the list goes on... Added to this is the fact that the |
| fulfillment of their dreams. The Indian mindset is such | | | | migrant feels lost and lonely in an environment that |
| that people are convinced that the brightest and the | | | | does not exude warmth, and cities seem almost |
| smartest men always head towards western | | | | deserted, as populations are not at Indian levels. Above |
| countries, where their intellect is appreciated and | | | | all, the young ladies in question are in a new relationship, |
| rewarded. Material comfort, economic security when | | | | still getting to know their husbands. |
| added to the brand value linked to living overseas, | | | | It would be beneficial for each of these girls to acquire |
| becomes the dream of every parent for his daughter. | | | | skills such as driving so that they can be independent. |
| But is it as simple as marrying in India, and life abroad a | | | | In the Indian system few can afford a car per member |
| cakewalk? Not really, as the contrast between | | | | of the family, employing chauffeurs is a prerogative of |
| lifestyles in India and other countries is too much to be | | | | the elite and the middle class are a single-car family |
| taken lightly. Girls aspiring to marry abroad need to | | | | with men most of the time. The young ladies on the |
| make a conscious effort and change their present | | | | threshold of marriage must also read and gather |
| lifestyle according to the requirements of the future. | | | | information about the social norms of different |
| NRIs or Non Resident Indians are those fellow | | | | countries, be well informed about western society, and |
| countrymen who have stepped beyond Indian soil in | | | | even acquire some language skills, for, who knows |
| pursuit of a job, build a career, or start a business. | | | | when the knowledge of another language may come |
| Whatever the assignment, working abroad certainly | | | | in handy. The Internet puts a world of information at |
| means more money, greater recognition of talent and | | | | one's fingertips, and one has to browse around to |
| dignity of labor, an excellent work environment along | | | | become well informed. Knowledge is the key to |
| with immense job satisfaction, success coming much | | | | greater confidence makes you more self assured and |
| quicker than it would anywhere in India. That a dollar or | | | | dignified in demeanor, and society is more receptive |
| euro salary helps afford good lifestyles, is also a | | | | and warm to such individuals. |
| consideration. Large villas, plush apartments, latest cars, | | | | In terms of appearance, it is important to merge with |
| seaside holidays, all come within a short period of time. | | | | the crowd, rather than stand out as a foreigner. The |
| It is the best option for a generation that likes to work | | | | young ladies can also try out different types of |
| hard and play hard. Back in India, they command a | | | | cuisines and develop a taste for non-Indian food. Most |
| new kind of respect, doors open for them, and heads | | | | Indians find continental food unpalatable, and vegetarian |
| turn with a look of awe and admiration from all around. | | | | options are not their kind either. One would have to |
| This may seem like a bed of roses, but it comes with | | | | develop a taste for different foods so as to not face |
| its fair share of thorns. The flip side to marrying | | | | an embarrassing situation in a social gathering being |
| abroad, can turn out to be a traumatic experience for | | | | unable to eat anything. Young ladies are not in the habit |
| young ladies oblivious to the harsh realities that stare at | | | | of taking on complete cooking responsibilities, restricting |
| them once they leave India. | | | | their culinary experiments to a single exotic preparation. |
| The first step is to meet an eligible bachelor working | | | | Most mothers are in charge of the daily staple food in |
| abroad, and liking him enough to say yes to the | | | | Indian homes that include multiple preparations. Under |
| long-term commitment called marriage. Men living | | | | their watchful eyes, the girls can gather a number of |
| overseas have spent many years alone, establishing | | | | helpful tips that make every meal delicious. |
| careers without any family support or comfort. They | | | | In Shruti's case, she has to grow out of the student |
| succumb to familial pressures for matrimony, but have | | | | mould focusing only on studying. She has to get used |
| definite ideas about what they would like in a life | | | | to the idea of getting married, sharing her life, |
| partner. | | | | shouldering the responsibility of a home, being a wife |
| The Indian system of marriage is quite different from | | | | and student at the same time, and above all, learn |
| the west. While love marriages frequently take place, | | | | enough about the U.S. Western influences have crept |
| arranged marriages are more commonplace. An | | | | into Indian society, but many unknown facts are |
| arranged marriage means that parents try to find | | | | unraveled when one delves deeper. Her homework on |
| suitable companions for their children on the basis of | | | | universities, admissions and scholarships will have to be |
| family, position and education. It is an age-old belief that | | | | centered around the place where her prospective |
| children from similar family backgrounds and | | | | husband is based. She has to work herself out of the |
| comparable economic positions are likely to have a | | | | emotional attachment to her family, to be able to leave |
| more successful married relationship. Moreover, Indian | | | | them and go. A part of her daily schedule set during |
| society being conservative, till very recently, it did not | | | | discussions with her parents, is to plan one meal |
| give boys and girls the liberty to move about socially | | | | everyday and set it in front of her family. Her father |
| where they could get an opportunity to meet suitable | | | | has decided to give her driving lessons himself and |
| partners. Parents are particularly strict with daughters, | | | | useful tips on money management. |
| seldom permitting them to socialize unescorted. This | | | | Radha and Neha need to do the same. Both belong to |
| naturally meant that the probability of young people | | | | smaller cities and are less exposed to Western |
| meeting prospective life partners was very low. The | | | | influences. Simple living and their laid-back attitude |
| task of finding a life partner has been the prerogative | | | | would have to be changed if they are aspiring to |
| of the parents and relatives, and matchmaking quite an | | | | marry abroad. Exposure to non-Indian food and dress, |
| interesting assignment. This generations-old tradition | | | | etiquette and table manners, good command over |
| has also been based upon common belief that children | | | | English, the art of polite conversation even in a crowd |
| are too naïve and immature to decide who would | | | | of unknown people instead of sitting quietly in a corner, |
| make a good life partner for them, and therefore, the | | | | appropriate behavior in public places, are some of the |
| task should be handled by mature elders. Initially, the | | | | things they need to learn. Being able to walk smartly |
| boy and girl in question were not even asked whether | | | | with an air of confidence will take time and practice. |
| or not they liked the person chosen for them. Over the | | | | This will please their partners and life beyond the home |
| years this has changed, and the boy and girl meet and | | | | would become a lot more fun, than facing the |
| even go out together, quite like the west. As a friend | | | | prospect of reprimand each time they are out and not |
| puts it," people all over the world, meet, fall in love and | | | | doing things right. Neha realizes that she needs to take |
| decide to marry; in India, the boy and girl meet, marry | | | | aerobic lessons to lose weight and tone up her body. |
| and then fall in love!" Marriage is serious business in | | | | Radha feels the need to learn western dance so that |
| India, and considered to be a lifelong commitment. | | | | she can join the crowd wherever there is music and |
| Divorce and separation are frowned upon, and even | | | | dancing. |
| the courts of law try to resolve issues of marital | | | | Marrying abroad has been a happy experience for |
| discord to preserve the relationship and restore | | | | thousands and a nightmare for just as many. Girls |
| normalcy in the family. This is the rationale behind | | | | must learn to handle difficult situations. Beyond India, |
| parents choosing prospective marriage partners for | | | | each young man is an anonymous entity, very few |
| their children. | | | | know where he goes and what he does, certainly not |
| The fate of an NRI is quite the same. Once he | | | | his family in India. If the girl's family does not make |
| succumbs to pressure from parents and agrees to | | | | sufficient enquiries, the girl's life faces the risk of being |
| meet prospective brides, the boy's parents shortlist a | | | | ruined. Some young Indian men have already married |
| few girls whose family backgrounds have been | | | | foreigners, but keep their families back home in the |
| checked and the girls' qualities, personality and habits | | | | dark. They lack the guts to tell their parents the truth |
| gauged through common friends or acquaintances. | | | | and lead them on, never realizing that they would be |
| They seem to have fixed notions about an ideal | | | | ruining an innocent girl's life. They feel they could go on |
| daughter-in-law, and fervently hope that their son | | | | with this dual charade forever, but the truth inevitably |
| would choose one of the girls they have liked. The son, | | | | stumbles out. The worst sufferer is the girl in question. |
| in turn, has an image of a partner who has a bit of the | | | | Many a time men profess to own businesses while |
| smartness of a Susan or Jane at his workplace, but | | | | they are actually employed for menial jobs. Thus a |
| also has a strong set of Indian values, who can run a | | | | waiter claims to be a restaurant owner, a salesman |
| warm Indian home for him, cook exotic meals both | | | | becomes the owner of a chain of stores. Torture and |
| Indian and western or oriental, pamper him so that he | | | | abuse of innocent girls are horror stories. Caution and |
| just has his work to think of, and does not have a thing | | | | thorough investigation becomes the key to avoid such |
| to do once he comes home. She must also be well | | | | agony. The stresses and strains of survival in Western |
| educated to blend into his social circle and not be a | | | | society take their toll on men too, who, unable to vent |
| misfit. She must be able to fend for herself rather than | | | | their frustrations elsewhere, resort to abusive behavior |
| depend on him for everything. Men in India, often feel | | | | and the young wife is at he receiving end. Crossing |
| that everything they say or do, must be accepted and | | | | from one economic level to another also leads to |
| even appreciated, but never questioned. While | | | | behavioral changes in men. |
| non-resident Indian men have learnt to do household | | | | Times have changed and the gap between India and |
| tasks, but once married, they wish to wriggle out of | | | | the West has narrowed. Each successive generation |
| such mundane though essential chores. | | | | has a more westernized lifestyle, and if the people |
| Choosing a life partner is difficult especially because | | | | stepping beyond Indian shores, are able to retain a bit |
| nowadays, it is not enough that the girl is "presentable". | | | | of our own culture, blend our Indian value system with |
| To be able to gauge her attitudes and outlook, and to | | | | the Western style of thinking, their aims and aspirations |
| see whether they may prove to be compatible, the | | | | will certainly have positive outcomes and happiness |
| Indian abroad wishes to meet the girl time and again. | | | | would be well within their reach. |